There are many people who don’t know anything about autism, or Asperger’s, which is on the autism spectrum. My husband, Marcos, lives in Brazil where Asperger’s really isn’t recognized, along with the mental illnesses that can come with having Asperger’s. You could have met someone with Asperger’s and maybe not even have known it… but there’s way more to living with Asperger’s than meets the eye. I conducted a small interview with my husband about Asperger’s and what it has been like to live with this condition, just to give people an idea of what life is like for an Aspie (a person who has Asperger’s).

How old were you when you were diagnosed?

Marcos: “Thirty nine. It was my fortieth gift.”

What was your initial reaction when you found out you have Asperger’s Syndrome? 

Marcos: “I didn’t like it that much because, first it was just like the stigma, ‘oh you’re autistic,’ just the, you know, just pretty much I thought it was limited to slower people, I don’t know. But after that, it pretty much clarified a lot of my behavior so it’s pretty much, it matched my style, so in a way it was liberating.”

How long did it take you to accept that you have Asperger’s?

Marcos: “Not that long. I pretty much accepted from the beginning, from the gecko, I just read about it and said ‘yeah, that’s me, that’s undeniable’ so it was okay.”

Before your diagnosis, did you know anything about autism and/or Asperger’s?

Marcos: “Nope. Just the small one, group, of negative spectrum people that has autism that pretty much, they are living in another dimension. I never heard about functional autistics.”

There are three core areas, social interaction, communication, and imagination, that are mainly affected by Asperger’s, on different levels in each individual that has it. Which one of these areas would you say is affected the most for you due to Asperger’s?

Marcos: “All of them.”

All of them? So there’s not one particular area that is affected more than the other?

Marcos: “Well, communication is bad, social skills are horrible, and imagination is pretty much off the charts.”

How does your immediate family feel about your diagnosis? 

Marcos: “Initially they did not believe at all, the same reason, they thought autism was pretty much limited to the negative spectrum. After that, they just read about it, some of them actually, but most of them, they don’t really care that much. They just say ‘he’s just crazy.'”

So they think you’re crazy?

Marcos: “Yeah, but not mad, not like stark raving mad.”

Asperger’s usually has an impact on mental health, resulting in mental illnesses like depression, anxiety, and even personality disorders. How has Asperger’s impacted your mental health?

Marcos: “Very negatively, speaking. Just like a lot of my depression can be contributed to that I think, especially when I was un-diagnosed. And anxiety has always been present, especially on social occasions because I know I’m awkward, and pretty much cannot communicate that much with anyone that I don’t know. Especially when un-diagnosed, I think it’s worse. You just think you’re crazy, ‘what’s wrong with me?’ But after that, you know what’s wrong with you, which means nothing, you just have Asperger’s.”

So it’s better to get the diagnosis?

Marcos: “Oh yeah.”

Do you take things literally?

Marcos: “Yes, I do. Especially, sometimes metaphorically and figuratively speaking, sometimes I don’t get it, I take it literally.”

Looking back throughout your life, would you say that Asperger’s prevented you from doing some of the things you wanted to do?

Marcos: “Yes it did.”

Majorly?

Marcos: “Majorly, because even though… I tried teaching for instance, I can’t do it. Too much anxiety. Too much awkwardness. I suppose it would… when I wasn’t diagnosed, I was thinking ‘oh maybe I’ll just work this out’ but it’s pretty much forcing something that sometimes you can’t help it. And most of the social interactions that I had, just pretty much, sometimes, everyone speaking, I just don’t know what to say. Just ‘if I say this, then it will cause this to happen’ and overthinking, overthinking, overthinking.”

Do you over-react to situations a lot?

Marcos: “A lot. A lot. Yes.”

How does over-reacting affect you?

Marcos: “Badly. Because it’s not just about pessimism, it’s just about seeing the worst type of scenario possible.”

Always the worst case scenario? 

Marcos: “Yeah, the worst case scenario, and just… it makes me pretty much like, sometimes the stuff that wouldn’t bother 99% of the population, if something falls to the ground, just aaaaahhhhhh!”

Would you say you were bullied more than the other kids were in school?

Marcos: “Yeah, I was. Definitely. Yes, a lot. Cause I couldn’t properly come with responses and interact with them just like playfully, I would take things seriously, way too seriously, like taunts and such, instead of just letting go I would react badly and that’s pretty much a propeller for bullies.”

Having autism/Asperger’s is a risk factor itself for attempting suicide. Have you ever attempted to take your own life?

Marcos: “Yes, a lot of times.”

How many times?

Marcos: “Nine times.”

How old were you your first attempt?

Marcos: “Fourteen. Something like that.”

Do you get angry a lot over things that would be considered irrational to others?

Marcos: “Yes, I do. A lot.”

How do you usually deal with that anger?

Marcos: “Not that good, just pretty much, it controls my subconscious. I become really withdrawn because I know I am angry in a way that’s not normal and I don’t want to bother people so I pretty much retreat and stay by myself until it subsides someway, somehow.”

How has having Asperger’s affected you the most?

Marcos: “Socially wise… even presentations in front of people would sometimes lead to a panic attack which is not only horrible, but people think you’re crazy just because it’s just a presentation, just speaking in front of other people, and I couldn’t handle it. The anxiety is just pretty much off the charts because of that. And if I went to a public place that I didn’t know, I would pretty much be hiding in the corner like ‘don’t talk to me.'”

So a presentation or a public place, something that would seem normal to a neurotypical person, is totally the opposite for you, with having Asperger’s, the anxiety is very very real?

Marcos: “Yes. Like those situations… just like a lot of times I ran out of places because I knew if I would stay there I would have a panic attack instinctively.”